Do you just lie there after the defeat? or do you get your ass back up and keep trying?
My advice, Don't stay down. Get the fuck back up and give it all you got. At least then, you know you've tried.
(Some of my posts you'll see the text change in font and color. These will be posts I've pulled from my Facebook posts and pasted here.)
My Mom was an incredibly strong woman. She was a single Mother who worked a full time job to support and raise me. She has done a lot on her own with some help from my Grandpa when he was alive. I'll get into the history of all that at a later date. My Mom was the strongest woman I knew. I looked up to her. Her and I had an incredibly special and maybe rare bond nowadays. As we got older, I was able to do a lot more than I was able to do in my younger youth. We'd get into arguments or joke around and we'd throw cuss words at one another. Sometimes even cuss one another out. But we never went to bed angry. We'd give each other the space we needed and would cool off and apologize for any hurt feelings or words that were used and all would be well again. She understood me better than anyone. I couldn't get away with that when I was a kid. She'd slap the shit out of me. As we got older and more mature we'd have a more open and lax mother daughter relationship. I never hid anything from her. I was always open about the things I've done. She even knew when I smoked weed or drank and gone to parties. She knew who I was dating. Who I was hanging out with. Where I was going. Not because she was a Helicopter Mom or anything, but because we had a mutual understanding. I'd check in every so often. I'd call, text, or whatever. I'd let her know where I was at. Leave an address or whatever, a phone number of who I was with or their name at the very least in case anything were to happen to me. We ALWAYS kept in touch. She was my best friend. Probably my only best friend I've ever truly had. She's always had my back through thick and thin, even when we didn't agree on things. When we found out that my Mom had stage 4 nsclc (non small cell lung cancer) my world was upside down. I knew it before she did. She had a cough that wouldn't go away for I don't even know how long. Months at least. Some people said at least a year. I don't think she had it for a year or so. Then again, I don't know because I was around her so frequently, that it's hard to tell. When her doctor called after hours, after we had already left the doctors office for my appointment, my heart sank. They wanted her to come in the next day and be the last patient to be seen because it was important. I knew it wasn't good. My Mom tried to down play it as it wasn't a big deal. Let's be serious for a moment... a doctor doesn't call you AFTER business hours, to ask if you can come in the next day AS THEIR LAST PATIENT of the day for nothing. I was upset all night. I drove us up to the clinic the next evening and got the worst news we ever wanted to hear. He was a fairly new doctor. My Mom actually use to see him at Barnes when he was still in medical school. He didn't want to delay this any further because of serious this was and how long it had taken to find anything wrong with her. Mom was a direct admit into the hospital. The doctor called and pulled some strings to get Mom a room and bed immediately. I drove us home and packed her a bag of clothes and necessities to stay at the hospital while she sat in the car and waited. I can only imagine what was running through her mind then. We were all in and open to any treatment plan suggestions. Mom decided to go through with Chemo, which she did surprisingly well on side effect wise. She didn't throw up or any of that nasty miserable stuff. If anything, she had very little of an appetite and was tired all the time, so she slept or took naps a lot. At that point, I didn't know if it was the Chemo or the Cancer that was winning. I was very worried. Mom somehow got an infection. We were told upon her release from the hospital if she started to run a fever, even if it were low grade, to call them or come back to the hospital immediately. This being a new thing, our minds were still adjusting to the reality of it all. She had ran little low grade fevers on and off and we thought nothing of it. She had the chills and shakes from being cold. Assuming that it was part of the side effects from the Chemo. I just layered blankets on top of her and kept the house comfortably warm. (If I ended up getting hot, I'd just turn on a fan for myself or take a cool shower) Something didn't sit right with me. I went to check on her and she wasn't acting right and wasn't responsive. Something told me to feel her. I did. She was extremely burning up hot, but was shivering. I took her temperature and it was at an alarming 104 degrees. I called my boyfriend to let him know what was going on. I called 911 and had an ambulance come and pick Mom up and take her to the hospital. She was in septic shock and was put in the ICU for a few days until she could be stabilized. Surprisingly, throughout that whole ordeal, I was calm. Amazing the shit you have to go through and you know you have to act fast and have zero time to freak out because someone's life is in your hands and depends on you. I don't know how I got through this chaotic journey, but I did. I was scared. I was scared for my Mom. Scared for me. Scared of the outcome of all this. I cried for days, weeks, and months. I couldn't handle the fact that I'd possibly be losing someone so close and dear to me. One of the people who truly mattered to me. My rock. My best friend. My confidant. My caregiver of all the years I've been alive. My Mom.
I know that I should have kept my feelings on lock down, and should have probably hidden it from her to keep from upsetting her. If anyone personally knows me, they know that I'm such a way. Fast forward. Mom decided that since she got the infection, she didn't want to continue on with the Chemo. Doctors came in and said that she was no longer a candidate for the Chemo treatments. It absolutely broke my heart. Shattered it. It felt like to me that Mom had given up the fight, and that there were no other options medical wise to intervene in trying to fight this demon that kills millions of people. Being my Mom's advocate and medical power of attorney, I asked the doctors if there were any other options. They said no. I asked if there was any way to get a hold of medicinal marijuana and they were appalled that I even asked such a question. They immediately got defensive and said that it hadn't been studied and there's no proof, anything to shoot down my suggestion. I told them I wanted less invasive and more natural treatment options for my Mom. One of doctors asked me "Do you not think that what we're doing is beneficial to your Mother?" To which I said something a long the lines "No. It's not that. It's that she's tried your option and she got an infection that almost killed her and now she's out of options, and I refuse to accept that there is no more that can be done for her."
I don't think they were expecting that from me. I don't remember much else. I do remember that we've spent a few weeks in the hospital and when I could, I would stay in the room with Mom. My meals would be her left over food she didn't eat or touch. Or I'd go and grab us something if it was allowed. She wasn't really fond of the hospital food. We tried ordering things she'd possibly eat, but it wasn't up the par. And I very much agreed. The times I'd stay with her, when the room was too small, but big enough to fit a chair, I'd put two chairs together and ask for pillows and blankets and would curl up on the two chairs next to Mom. When Mom got moved and had a roommate, I would visit for a bit, and then go home to Mike and Kota since I hardly seen them during Mom's hospital stays. I couldn't stand to be alone. Mom was finally stable and able to come home. There was nothing more that could be done, so she went home to hospice care. The hospice company we went with was amazing. We had an awesome team of people coming in to care for her. From nurses, to nurses aids to bathe her, to music therapist that would sing and play music on their guitar, to seeing a doctor from time to time, case workers, counselors, ALL were amazing. The team was awesome. We made friends with many, but remained in touch with our nurse, Jason. We adopted him has family. I'm pretty sure Uncle Ray Ray and Jason would have made an amazing couple. Jason was an absolute God send. He helped keep me grounded and guided me through a few things to help better myself and my life, and for that, I am eternally and forever grateful for. If you're reading this, I love you, and thank you. For everything. I miss your face! Jason has since resigned from the hospice he worked for in St. Louis and has uprooted to Washington on another hospice endeavor.
I definitely want to state here that I didn't completely care for Mom alone. I had help and assistance of some family and friends who I am grateful for as well. I'm sure I could have done it all on my own, and I've done most of it on my own, but I would probably have crumbled to pieces and have been no help if I didn't have the help I had. Thank you everyone for your help. I'm sorry that during the moments of me trying to care for Mom I wasn't the nicest or the gracious human at that time. I was scared and was trying to do the best that I could and knew how and constant judgments from the outside and people talking down to me about how I should be caring for my Mom didn't help me at all. I was defensive with everything going on because I was literally being attacked from all angles and was losing my moral support and only person who I felt truly understood me and supported me. I didn't know how to handle all the different emotions. So, for that, I am sorry if I wasn't pleasant to be around. Just know I had a lot on my plate and I was overwhelmed. Nothing personal, unless it was personal. Then, yeah, fuck you I guess. There's some things that people shouldn't say or put their noses into. You don't tell the daughter of the person who is sick and dying how to care for them when you've only been in the picture a fraction of the time, when I've been with her my entire existence and should know the ins and outs of my own Mom and the tolerance or intolerance of her pain, and what wishes she'd like carried out and that I would respect them. It really pissed me off that people were questioning my integrity and the respect I had for my Mom. You don't know what her final wishes were. You don't know what she wanted for her final days. To tell me that she needed this, or that, and that I'm doing this wrong or that wrong.... No. Fuck you. Fuck off. Leave us the fuck alone. By all means offer me/us comfort and moral support, or help take a load off by offering to do things for me so I could get a break, something like that. But don't tell me how to care for my Mom or how shitty of a job you think I'm doing. You're not going to get a nice response out of me, and a few people figured that out real quick. Don't disrespect me and treat me like a child or a piece of shit, and I won't bite you head off. Don't fuck with my friends, family, and loved ones, and I won't wanna kill ya. ;) I'm super protective. I've said this to people and I'll keep saying it as along as I live. I am not the one to fuck with. Guarantee you that. I may sit back and take a little hitting for a little bit, but when I've had enough, I've had enough and I'll let you know.
When mom made the heart shattering decision to stop chemo before her health care providers even said she couldn't do it anymore. The moment when we went from possibly having a fighting chance, to there being nothing that could be done.
I respected her decision no matter how hard it was to swallow and accept. It wasn't my choice. I didn't know what she was battling internally, mentally, or physically. I just seen and witnessed things on the outside. Who knew the other battles she was personally battling.
I won't regret the judgment calls I've made. Or the ground I stood to protect and honor her wishes. I don't regret my decisions of quitting work and school to spend time with her. I did the best I knew how and I'm okay with that. I'll always wish that there were more options or alternatives that were less invasive. I'll always want her back and wish that she were here. Never did I imagine I would have a short life with my Mom. I always thought I'd have her around until she was old and senile. To where I'd have to take care of her in her old age. Never did I think life would be what and where it is now. Keep your loved ones close and do things that you won't regret doing. Make too many memories. Forgive and let go. Apologize. Always say 'I love you' and mean it. Make the best out of life as you can with those who matter. Life truly is too short.
My life has drastically changed since Mom's passing. I didn't want to stay in the house alone. In fact, after she passed, I had Kimmy stay the night with me. When she got up to leave, I left too. I was sad that Mom was gone, maybe practically numb. Still trying to grasp everything still because it happened so quick. I've checked out of life a little while. I wasn't the best partner for Mike, or Mother for Dakota. And for that, I am sincerely sorry. I love you both with all of my entire being. I know I was in a dark place and checked out for a bit, and that we've had some rough patches, and you were about to throw in the towel. I'm thankful that you're still in my life and still love me even at my worst. I was incredibly vulnerable, and not the best me I could be and it showed. I'm sorry if you felt unloved, unappreciated and anything but loved, appreciated, and very much wanted. I'm also sorry for 'suffocating' you because I lost Mom and you and Kota are all that I have left and I was holding on to you both so tight. Thank you for understanding and helping me when I desperately needed it. I don't know what I would do without my babies. I love you both incredibly much.
Almost three years later, here I am. I'm still in school as I promised Mom I would be. Kimmy is in my house now. Which is nice, because that means I get to stay with Mike and Kota and it takes a load off of me financial wise. Life has ups and downs, but I'm trying to get a handle on the adulting life. It's all going to work out. I have faith in it. Thanks for reading my all over the place post. |
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