Happy 420!

Hello, and good morning you beautiful souls! It's Friday, 420! For those of you who don't know what 420 is, it's April 20th and it's been dubbed 420 in honor of National Weed Day. (It's mainly a pothead thing) But for those of you who don't partake in smoking the devils lettuce, there's free shit today! Well, for sure I know that Dunkin' Donuts has FREE Medium Iced Coffees today.

So, everyone who partakes in this holiday/event, please smoke some herb for me!

Without further ado, I present y'all with some pictures, and a song or few to help celebrate and enjoy this "Highladay".

Smoke that Tumbleweed!

Narcissistic Sociopath Small Peen Dudes, Vegans, Religion, and Random Shit.

Let me just say that if you're ever dating someone, and you don't like them for who they are and how they are as a person inside and out and aren't attracted to them... Just let them go. Don't try and change them. If there's things that a person doesn't like about themselves, don't knit pick at it and crush their self esteem by giving them a complex. Encourage them and tell them how much you love them and what you love about them. Compliment something about their flaw that they're insecure about and help them feel good about that part of them.

I recently came across a post that a young woman had posted about a recent old flame that belittled her and wanted everything to be about him. I'll post the screen shots of the since deleted post of it all, and you can make your own judgments upon it.

You just don't do that to women. Or anyone for that matter. This guy (I refuse to call him a man, because a real man wouldn't do or say the shit this guy did) told his then girlfriend basically that she didn't take their relationship seriously because she wasn't working hard enough to get a sexy hot solid body to be the sexiest woman on the beach and that she should be doing workouts every opportunity she gets. Even while on work breaks and such. And that she shouldn't be eating pizzas, or be wearing foundation (even though he doesn't like the pink undertones of her natural skin or blemishes that she tries to hide to please this person). Y'all, I am absolutely appalled at how this guy was talking to this young woman. I went to her page and peeked at her pictures and she's BEAUTIFUL!!!! I came across a picture of what I assume was the two of them together, and he looked.... Yeeeeeeah. Let's just say that he should look in the mirror before he harped on his then girlfriend about her looks. Maybe it's just me. But I didn't find him the least bit attractive. He's not fat or anything either. Just has a look about him. Maybe it's because he's vegan. *shrugs* Totally nothing against vegans. But with this whole thing, I've learned that vegans are angry minions. It's absolutely true. I thought they were these happy little tree hugging, animal loving, gentle soul hippy people. No. Absolutely NOT. If you eat meat, you may as well be the devil themselves. I had a dude come flying off the handles at me because I confessed to eating meat. Look, what you do with you life and your beliefs is none of my fucking business. As long as it's not harming anyone, I don't give a fuck what you do. I'm not going to down you because you'd rather eat plants that have been shat on by the animals I eat. (Meat is delicious, by the way). No plant can even come close to tasting like the real thing. I'm totally open to trying vegan food. I'll even maybe try it for a week or something just to see what it's all about and see if I notice any changes within myself. I've tried this GMC Diet thing like 10+ years ago. The first few days was a cleansing process that you had to drink mostly water, and could only have like fruits and certain vegetables. No meat. Let's just say that I didn't even make it to the end of the diet. I think it was a week long thing with different things to eat each day. I made it to the day of the huge baked potato and caved because my asshole family decided they wanted to cook fucking hotdogs in the oven and smell up the house of deliciousness. Of course I fucking caved and crammed my face with hotdogs. Damn straight I did! My sister cousin (she's actually my cousin) was so disappointed in me. "SAMANTHA! You couldn't hold out for 2-3 more days?!?" Hmmm.. Nope! I couldn't. My willpower just couldn't take it anymore. I will admit that I didn't think I would like the cabbage soup that the diet had on there with the recipe included, but it was actually surprisingly good. I also felt good inside wise. Like I didn't feel like my insides were covered in sludge. I guess that's a good thing, yeah?

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I don't think I can just up and quit meat. It's been a part of my life since the very beginning. But, kudos to those who made the transition and/or are vegetarians/vegans. Just don't be a douche nozzle. Just because you're a vegan doesn't make you God's special love golden child or some shit. I feel like some vegans feel like they're the best thing since sliced bread. It's almost lined up there with organized religion. Some people seem like just because they go to church or read the bible that they're good christian's or something. Which some are the very people who hide behind the 'the word of God' and make the lame bullshit excuses that "God made me do this." No. God doesn't make people do ugly shit. God/Jesus loved EVERYBODY. Fuck you for cherry picking and twisting and turning shit to fit YOUR shitty lifestyle to have the excuse to be a piece of shit fucking human. I hope that someone nails your ass to a fucking cross and burns it. (Okay, so that was a little too extreme. My bad). Also another *DISCLAIMER* I say shit that's offensive and just down right wrong and shocking sometimes. It's part of my sick and twisted sense of humor. So, if you get easily offended, just stop reading my shit right now. I cannot guarantee you that you'll still have virgin eyes and ears after this. I'm a terrible influence and I fully admit that. But at least I can be funny, and I'm damn fun. So, there's that.

Okay, so now I'll post the pictures and you can see how wrong this was and how shitty of a person this guy is and I hope that after his blast across social media makes him think twice about saying hurtful shit like to to future women, or maybe women can take this heed of warning and avoid the guys all together. This is just something you don't and shouldn't say to any woman or anyone. This actually infuriated me. I couldn't ever be with someone who did that. My heart literally broke for this woman. These should be in order. (I hope) If not, please go by the time stamped at the top of the image. (There's also a video, completely unrelated to this, of this guy protesting at what I assume to be a pig farm or slaughter house and is brutally beaten by Police officers here: Police Brutality on Vegan Woman Abuser)
Allyson (the young woman who was being verbally abused by this guy) Posted these screen shots on Facebook to get her side of the story out because she was tired of being a victim and being isolated and confined to her home. When she posted, she didn't expect her post to go viral and was surprised at the amount of support for her, and the amount of shit talking people were doing against her ex-boyfriend. She didn't want to take the light away from the animals. (Allyson is also vegan) Her post has since been deleted.

Trusting Things You Have Zero Control Over

I recently had someone on Facebook who is frightened (and rightfully so) about what happened the other day when a Southwest Airline Plane's engine had blown up and a piece of the shrapnel had busted a window of the airplane and a passenger was partially sucked out of the window.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/04/18/southwest-airlines-passenger-paid-wifi-facebook-live-crash/527387002/

I want to say that while horrible and tragic, these things can and will happen, but it's rare. Anything can happen when you're in a situation that's beyond your control. Even if you have most of the control like driving a car. There's always going to be a risk. We live day in and day out taking risks and they're second nature to us, that we don't even think about it. If you're driving a car, you're hoping that your seat belt, you car will keep you safe and the people you share the road with will have common sense and will drive safely and follow the rules of the road and the laws put in place to keep everyone as safe as possible. Shit happens. All the time.

So, while you're afraid of flying a plane again, remember that yes, mechanisms fail. But that never crossed your mind until after this actually happened to someone and it made news headlines.

After 9/11 America was shaken up and afraid to fly. People are flying now, but are afraid of Muslims or anyone wearing a turban or hijab. You can try and argue with me and tell me no that it isn't true... but we all know it is. Anyone looks suspicious because they aren't white and are wearing their traditional ethnic clothing and English is their second language, they get looked at sideways.

While I'm on this tangent, I'm going to pick your brain.

Why is it when someone white commits a crime or causes terror, do we not look at them sideways? Is it because we'd be looking at ourselves? (those who are white) Because people who aren't white, look at us sideways. Why is that you think?

Some Hiccups

Please bear with me while I try and figure this shit out. Evidently, you can't copy and paste shit without it altering the font, color, and all that jazz. I don't know how to fix that. If anyone has any suggestions or knows how this shit works, help would be greatly appreciated. As I am at a total loss on how this shit works. LOL

Losing Is Only Half The Battle

It's what happens after the loss that determines your fate.
Do you just lie there after the defeat? or do you get your ass back up and keep trying?
My advice, Don't stay down. Get the fuck back up and give it all you got. At least then, you know you've tried.

(Some of my posts you'll see the text change in font and color. These will be posts I've pulled from my Facebook posts and pasted here.)

My Mom was an incredibly strong woman. She was a single Mother who worked a full time job to support and raise me. She has done a lot on her own with some help from my Grandpa when he was alive. I'll get into the history of all that at a later date. My Mom was the strongest woman I knew. I looked up to her. Her and I had an incredibly special and maybe rare bond nowadays. As we got older, I was able to do a lot more than I was able to do in my younger youth. We'd get into arguments or joke around and we'd throw cuss words at one another. Sometimes even cuss one another out. But we never went to bed angry. We'd give each other the space we needed and would cool off and apologize for any hurt feelings or words that were used and all would be well again. She understood me better than anyone. I couldn't get away with that when I was a kid. She'd slap the shit out of me. As we got older and more mature we'd have a more open and lax mother daughter relationship. I never hid anything from her. I was always open about the things I've done. She even knew when I smoked weed or drank and gone to parties. She knew who I was dating. Who I was hanging out with. Where I was going. Not because she was a Helicopter Mom or anything, but because we had a mutual understanding. I'd check in every so often. I'd call, text, or whatever. I'd let her know where I was at. Leave an address or whatever, a phone number of who I was with or their name at the very least in case anything were to happen to me. We ALWAYS kept in touch. She was my best friend. Probably my only best friend I've ever truly had. She's always had my back through thick and thin, even when we didn't agree on things. When we found out that my Mom had stage 4 nsclc (non small cell lung cancer) my world was upside down. I knew it before she did. She had a cough that wouldn't go away for I don't even know how long. Months at least. Some people said at least a year. I don't think she had it for a year or so. Then again, I don't know because I was around her so frequently, that it's hard to tell. When her doctor called after hours, after we had already left the doctors office for my appointment, my heart sank. They wanted her to come in the next day and be the last patient to be seen because it was important. I knew it wasn't good. My Mom tried to down play it as it wasn't a big deal. Let's be serious for a moment... a doctor doesn't call you AFTER business hours, to ask if you can come in the next day AS THEIR LAST PATIENT of the day for nothing. I was upset all night. I drove us up to the clinic the next evening and got the worst news we ever wanted to hear. He was a fairly new doctor. My Mom actually use to see him at Barnes when he was still in medical school. He didn't want to delay this any further because of serious this was and how long it had taken to find anything wrong with her. Mom was a direct admit into the hospital. The doctor called and pulled some strings to get Mom a room and bed immediately. I drove us home and packed her a bag of clothes and necessities to stay at the hospital while she sat in the car and waited. I can only imagine what was running through her mind then. We were all in and open to any treatment plan suggestions. Mom decided to go through with Chemo, which she did surprisingly well on side effect wise. She didn't throw up or any of that nasty miserable stuff. If anything, she had very little of an appetite and was tired all the time, so she slept or took naps a lot. At that point, I didn't know if it was the Chemo or the Cancer that was winning. I was very worried. Mom somehow got an infection. We were told upon her release from the hospital if she started to run a fever, even if it were low grade, to call them or come back to the hospital immediately. This being a new thing, our minds were still adjusting to the reality of it all. She had ran little low grade fevers on and off and we thought nothing of it. She had the chills and shakes from being cold. Assuming that it was part of the side effects from the Chemo. I just layered blankets on top of her and kept the house comfortably warm. (If I ended up getting hot, I'd just turn on a fan for myself or take a cool shower) Something didn't sit right with me. I went to check on her and she wasn't acting right and wasn't responsive. Something told me to feel her. I did. She was extremely burning up hot, but was shivering. I took her temperature and it was at an alarming 104 degrees. I called my boyfriend to let him know what was going on. I called 911 and had an ambulance come and pick Mom up and take her to the hospital. She was in septic shock and was put in the ICU for a few days until she could be stabilized. Surprisingly, throughout that whole ordeal, I was calm. Amazing the shit you have to go through and you know you have to act fast and have zero time to freak out because someone's life is in your hands and depends on you. I don't know how I got through this chaotic journey, but I did. I was scared. I was scared for my Mom. Scared for me. Scared of the outcome of all this. I cried for days, weeks, and months. I couldn't handle the fact that I'd possibly be losing someone so close and dear to me. One of the people who truly mattered to me. My rock. My best friend. My confidant. My caregiver of all the years I've been alive. My Mom.

I know that I should have kept my feelings on lock down, and should have probably hidden it from her to keep from upsetting her. If anyone personally knows me, they know that I'm such a way. Fast forward. Mom decided that since she got the infection, she didn't want to continue on with the Chemo. Doctors came in and said that she was no longer a candidate for the Chemo treatments. It absolutely broke my heart. Shattered it. It felt like to me that Mom had given up the fight, and that there were no other options medical wise to intervene in trying to fight this demon that kills millions of people. Being my Mom's advocate and medical power of attorney, I asked the doctors if there were any other options. They said no. I asked if there was any way to get a hold of medicinal marijuana and they were appalled that I even asked such a question. They immediately got defensive and said that it hadn't been studied and there's no proof, anything to shoot down my suggestion. I told them I wanted less invasive and more natural treatment options for my Mom. One of doctors asked me "Do you not think that what we're doing is beneficial to your Mother?" To which I said something a long the lines "No. It's not that. It's that she's tried your option and she got an infection that almost killed her and now she's out of options, and I refuse to accept that there is no more that can be done for her."
I don't think they were expecting that from me. I don't remember much else. I do remember that we've spent a few weeks in the hospital and when I could, I would stay in the room with Mom. My meals would be her left over food she didn't eat or touch. Or I'd go and grab us something if it was allowed. She wasn't really fond of the hospital food. We tried ordering things she'd possibly eat, but it wasn't up the par. And I very much agreed. The times I'd stay with her, when the room was too small, but big enough to fit a chair, I'd put two chairs together and ask for pillows and blankets and would curl up on the two chairs next to Mom. When Mom got moved and had a roommate, I would visit for a bit, and then go home to Mike and Kota since I hardly seen them during Mom's hospital stays. I couldn't stand to be alone. Mom was finally stable and able to come home. There was nothing more that could be done, so she went home to hospice care. The hospice company we went with was amazing. We had an awesome team of people coming in to care for her. From nurses, to nurses aids to bathe her, to music therapist that would sing and play music on their guitar, to seeing a doctor from time to time, case workers, counselors, ALL were amazing. The team was awesome. We made friends with many, but remained in touch with our nurse, Jason. We adopted him has family. I'm pretty sure Uncle Ray Ray and Jason would have made an amazing couple. Jason was an absolute God send. He helped keep me grounded and guided me through a few things to help better myself and my life, and for that, I am eternally and forever grateful for. If you're reading this, I love you, and thank you. For everything. I miss your face! Jason has since resigned from the hospice he worked for in St. Louis and has uprooted to Washington on another hospice endeavor.

I definitely want to state here that I didn't completely care for Mom alone. I had help and assistance of some family and friends who I am grateful for as well. I'm sure I could have done it all on my own, and I've done most of it on my own, but I would probably have crumbled to pieces and have been no help if I didn't have the help I had. Thank you everyone for your help. I'm sorry that during the moments of me trying to care for Mom I wasn't the nicest or the gracious human at that time. I was scared and was trying to do the best that I could and knew how and constant judgments from the outside and people talking down to me about how I should be caring for my Mom didn't help me at all. I was defensive with everything going on because I was literally being attacked from all angles and was losing my moral support and only person who I felt truly understood me and supported me. I didn't know how to handle all the different emotions. So, for that, I am sorry if I wasn't pleasant to be around. Just know I had a lot on my plate and I was overwhelmed. Nothing personal, unless it was personal. Then, yeah, fuck you I guess. There's some things that people shouldn't say or put their noses into. You don't tell the daughter of the person who is sick and dying how to care for them when you've only been in the picture a fraction of the time, when I've been with her my entire existence and should know the ins and outs of my own Mom and the tolerance or intolerance of her pain, and what wishes she'd like carried out and that I would respect them. It really pissed me off that people were questioning my integrity and the respect I had for my Mom. You don't know what her final wishes were. You don't know what she wanted for her final days. To tell me that she needed this, or that, and that I'm doing this wrong or that wrong.... No. Fuck you. Fuck off. Leave us the fuck alone. By all means offer me/us comfort and moral support, or help take a load off by offering to do things for me so I could get a break, something like that. But don't tell me how to care for my Mom or how shitty of a job you think I'm doing. You're not going to get a nice response out of me, and a few people figured that out real quick. Don't disrespect me and treat me like a child or a piece of shit, and I won't bite you head off. Don't fuck with my friends, family, and loved ones, and I won't wanna kill ya. ;) I'm super protective. I've said this to people and I'll keep saying it as along as I live. I am not the one to fuck with. Guarantee you that. I may sit back and take a little hitting for a little bit, but when I've had enough, I've had enough and I'll let you know.

When mom made the heart shattering decision to stop chemo before her health care providers even said she couldn't do it anymore. The moment when we went from possibly having a fighting chance, to there being nothing that could be done. I respected her decision no matter how hard it was to swallow and accept. It wasn't my choice. I didn't know what she was battling internally, mentally, or physically. I just seen and witnessed things on the outside. Who knew the other battles she was personally battling. I won't regret the judgment calls I've made. Or the ground I stood to protect and honor her wishes. I don't regret my decisions of quitting work and school to spend time with her. I did the best I knew how and I'm okay with that. I'll always wish that there were more options or alternatives that were less invasive. I'll always want her back and wish that she were here. Never did I imagine I would have a short life with my Mom. I always thought I'd have her around until she was old and senile. To where I'd have to take care of her in her old age. Never did I think life would be what and where it is now. Keep your loved ones close and do things that you won't regret doing. Make too many memories. Forgive and let go. Apologize. Always say 'I love you' and mean it. Make the best out of life as you can with those who matter. Life truly is too short. My life has drastically changed since Mom's passing. I didn't want to stay in the house alone. In fact, after she passed, I had Kimmy stay the night with me. When she got up to leave, I left too. I was sad that Mom was gone, maybe practically numb. Still trying to grasp everything still because it happened so quick. I've checked out of life a little while. I wasn't the best partner for Mike, or Mother for Dakota. And for that, I am sincerely sorry. I love you both with all of my entire being. I know I was in a dark place and checked out for a bit, and that we've had some rough patches, and you were about to throw in the towel. I'm thankful that you're still in my life and still love me even at my worst. I was incredibly vulnerable, and not the best me I could be and it showed. I'm sorry if you felt unloved, unappreciated and anything but loved, appreciated, and very much wanted. I'm also sorry for 'suffocating' you because I lost Mom and you and Kota are all that I have left and I was holding on to you both so tight. Thank you for understanding and helping me when I desperately needed it. I don't know what I would do without my babies. I love you both incredibly much.  Life didn't stop for me. Before Mom died, I had signed up for classes. Mom wasn't sure if she'd be okay on her own or not because it was still far out. She didn't want me to sign up for classes for fear that I'd either leave her or that she'd hold me back from taking the classes. I reassured her that if anything should happen to her, I'd drop my classes if she wasn't well. But if she's gone, I'll continue to take the classes I've signed up for. It all worked out. I wish it meant that she were still here and completely cured and whole again, but that's not the case. It worked out for me because if I didn't set it up the way I had, I would have stayed at home for months in a deep dark depression and wouldn't have picked myself back up again for a while. Taking the classes helped me continue on. I took a few psychology classes so I could pick my brain and dig around a bit. I love learning about personalities and how the brain works and such. It's incredibly fascinating to me.  Almost three years later, here I am. I'm still in school as I promised Mom I would be. Kimmy is in my house now. Which is nice, because that means I get to stay with Mike and Kota and it takes a load off of me financial wise. Life has ups and downs, but I'm trying to get a handle on the adulting life. It's all going to work out. I have faith in it.  Thanks for reading my all over the place post.

A Companion and Materialistic Things Won't Buy You Happiness.

I honestly get it, because I’ve been there. But if you’re so unhappy, materialistic things or a boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t going to help make you feel better. Those are called distractions and they'll only temporarily distract you and keep you satisfied for so long until you're on to the next thing you want or need. Sit down and evaluate what you’re so unhappy about and work on it. And no. Being single isn’t a good enough excuse to be sad and miserable. There are plenty of people who are happy single. Find what needs working on within yourself and work on it. It is with you where happiness lies within. Not in materials or people.

Still living with Mommy and Daddy? Work hard. Save money. Get a place of your own.

Living with roommates? Stop spending your money on stupid shit like alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, going out all the time, eating out all the time and save up your money and get your own place.

Don’t have a car? Same thing. Stop wasteful spending and save up your money.

Don’t have a job? Fucking get one you fucking bum.

Bored? Find a hobby.

Fat? Cut out the sugars and bullshit foods and drinks you consume and replace with water and healthy foods like fruits and vegetables and getting more active. Go on a walk. Go for a run. Join a gym. Find things heavy to lift at home. 

Find what makes YOU happy. What YOU enjoy doing. Whether it’s sewing, knitting, painting, building, volunteer work, whatever. Just do it.

You can want, want, want, all you want, but it’s not going to bring you true happiness.

We all have to start somewhere. Start within yourself. 

First Vent

I absolutely love what I do for work most days, today is just a rough start to the day. I work in a Community College campus library and we recently got in a new to us printer. The printer was constantly jamming up yesterday that we had to put out of order signs on it. This morning I come in and the printer company has apparently fixed it, but it's jamming again today.
I have a patron/student that keeps asking: "How's it going? Are the printers good and running?"
Me: "So far only one jam with the black and white."
Patron/Student: "That's reassuring." Then goes on to ask something about how promising the printers working will be.
Me: "We can't guarantee anything in here. Things happen all the time. Printers jam, whatever it may be."
Patron/Student: "So, if the printer is down, should I just go upstairs?"
Me: "You can send your documents to the color printer. But if that one is down too, I'd send it to the one upstairs. Yes."
Patron/Student: "I hope it doesn't get shut down."
Me: "Here's a little advice I wanna share. Don't wait until the last possible minute to complete a paper or an assignment and come in here in a panic needing to print because you procrastinated. We have zero control over what happens with the computers and printers, and we get yelled at for it because you waited until the last minute. My advice is to get ahead on it so when it does happen, you're prepared and not in a time crunch and freaking out."
Patron/Student: "Yeah. I'm one of those people today. I procrastinated. I REALLY need these printers to work because mine crapped out at home. When that happens, I can't go to someone about it."
Me: (Internally face palming myself and rolling my eyes)

Every time the damn thing jams, Patron/Student keeps asking me how it's going. ASKING ME HOW IT'S GOING, ISN'T GOING TO HELP RESOLVE THIS SHIT! IF ANYTHING, IT MAKES ME WANT TO RIP YOUR TRACHEA OUT NINJA STYLE! FOR FUCK SAKES!
So, he keeps asking me in different way. I'm in the middle of clearing a jam and he's asking me AGAIN, and says "That's reassuring." To which I respond with: "Well, dude. What do you want me to do or say here?" Basically shuts him up, but not really.

People, just PLEASE DO NOT do what this dude did. For the love of all things holy.

Anyway, there was my rant. You got a little taste of what goes on. I'll have write in this regularly. I'm mainly causing havoc on my Facebook account. I'm lost many Facebook friends and family because of my personality. Oh, well. Love me or hate me. But I won't pretend to be someone who I'm not. Many people walk around being fake and inauthentic. Not me. I'm raw to the core. What you see is what you get.

Thanks for reading and Welcome!